THE ELDER'S REVENGE IS NO REVENGE

One gift of being an elder is the enormous freedom gained. However, gaining this freedom is not easy. There are things an elder must abandon to obtain their freedom. Regrettably, one of the hardest to give up is revenge.

Revenge is most often considered an overt act. Generally, revenge is an obvious action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at another's hands.

The reaction is retribution and reprisal with thoughts of vengeance. But for most of us, our revenge is submerged and lasting. Revenge occurs in a far more subtle and understated form.

We have all experienced not being included in a group's strategic decisions. You anticipate the group would include you. You believe you should have a voice. You believe you should have a vote. Then you discover the decision was made without you. Instantly you feel isolated and disregarded.

Anger and hurt emerge. Your expectation was unmet. You consider yourself vital to the group. You feel slighted, betrayed, diminished. Nevertheless, you don't say anything. Unspoken words are fuel for thoughts of retribution.

Expectations unfulfilled invariably lead to upset. When you're upset, you become angry, resentful, and indignant. You unconsciously settle on a punitive action when someone fails to fulfill your expectation.

Your verdict is ultimately based on the interpretation that he, she, or they have wronged you, which invariably makes you right. Being right pulls the trigger.

Judith Glaser's 2013 article in the Harvard Business Review, Your Brain Is Hooked on Being Right, when you are being right, "the hormone and neurotransmitter cortisol flood the brain. As a result, executive functions that help us with advanced thought processes like strategy, trust-building, and compassion shut down. The amygdala, our instinctive brain, takes over and cannot regulate its emotions or handle the gaps between expectations and reality."

Your view of the other person continues to poison. It invariably spews thoughts about "getting back" at that person. The cold war has officially begun.

Now you and I each have our own strategies and tactics of revenge. They range from disconnecting, detaching, and disengaging to the more overt activities, such as gossip, direct "swipes" in conversations, and downgrading that person in public to outright political annihilation.

We all have our own brand of revenge, depending on the situation. We've been hurt, and we want them to hurt. We've been wronged, and we want them to suffer.

Elders have come to realize that the costs of revenge are very high. Revenge erodes relationships and corrupts wellbeing. It closes the door to a mutually shared future that would benefit both. It becomes about right- wrong, win-lose, dominating-avoiding the domination. Revenge consumes. You're choosing to be right over being free. Revenge causes you to suffer, not them.

HOW ELDERS UNATTACH

In becoming an elder, you learn - intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually – how to let go of the tight grip of revenge without affecting or changing the other person. As a result, you become unchained. When you don't need to be right, you discharge the energy, bodily effects, and emotions to uphold your righteousness.

Revenge has its own language. Notice the vengeful words populating the thinking, the action verbs aimed at causing harm, the shaded nouns of degradation, and the adjectives and adverbs of shame and blame. Gossip works as one of your best language tools. Innuendos are good too.

Notice the somatic impact when using this language – shoulders, stomach, facial expressions. Also, notice the emotions present when thinking and speaking the language of revenge.

Becoming aware of your thoughts and responses to revenge is the key to letting go of it. Being conscious of the language you are employing takes the covers off revenge. Recognition is always the first step that leads to making a conscious effort about getting off the road of revenge.

Revenge takes its toll. Revenge shrinks your world. Revenge narrows your awareness. Revenge keeps you hating. Revenge dominates who you are in the world. So bottom line, revenge 'ain't' worth it. The costs are too high, and the benefits are far too low. And elders know the runway is getting shorter and revenge prevent liftoff.

When examined through introspection, meditation, and contemplation, elders learn to recognize that their revenge consists of reinforcing and encouraging past-based thoughts.

Elders learn how to live much more in the moment. Being in the moment, their past has little oxygen. In the moment, thoughts and emotions of revenge occur but do not cling, grasp, or pull. Like fish in a pond, elders can watch these thoughts of vengeance swim around, but being in the moment allows them to realize they're not one of the fish.

"When you begin a journey of revenge, start by digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself." Jodi Picoult

Contemporary Elder Retreat

October 9th through the 16th

Red Mountain Resort Ivins, UT www.requestingwisdome/retreat Only five spots remaining

“For many, retirement is a time for personal growth, which becomes the path to greater freedom.” – Robert Delamontague